How do I stop overexplaining everything?

Do you get anxious that people won't understand what you're saying? Have people seemed annoyed when you're only sharing your rationale? Do you find yourself explaining your reasoning before someone asks? Well — you may be overexplaining.

Find out why you might be overexplaining, and learn effective strategies for how to stop.

Overexplaining happens "when you explain something more than is necessary or helpful." Although overexplaining can have good intentions, it can actually be detrimental to your relationships and your mental health.

What are the downsides of overexplaining?

Overexplaining could:

• make your point less clear by adding distracting information.

• make you appear less confident in your ideas or actions.

• irritate your audience who already understand your point.

• be mentally exhausting and stressful.

Here is an example of overexplaining:

Rosie and Joanne share a dorm. Rosie finds it hard to sleep because Joanne watches videos late at night without wearing headphones. When Rosie finally confronts Joanne, this is how their conversation goes:

Rosie: Do you mind wearing headphones when you watch videos late at night? It's been making it hard for me to sleep.

Joanne: Sure thing. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was keeping you up.

Rosie: It's ok. It's just irritating hearing your videos. I scheduled my classes in the morning so I have to wake up earlier than you do.

Joanne: I already said I would put on headphones, you don't have to talk to me like a kid.

Did you notice how Joanne got defensive once Rosie overexplained? It's because Joanne already understood and agreed with Rosie. Overexplaining made Joanne feel disrespected.

Have you found yourself in a similar situation before?

Figure out your "why".

When you overexplain, try to reflect on why! Is it because you're worried that:

• you'll be misunderstood or they won't believe you?

• you'll get in trouble?

• something won't turn out perfectly?

• you won't be seen as knowledgeable?

It's important that you understand the root of why you overexplain so you can address it.

Pay attention!

Be mindful and pay attention when you begin to overexplain. When you begin to overexplain, make note of it.

Are there specific situations where you overexplain? You have to notice the pattern before you can address it.

Practice being a more active listener.

Make sure you're responding to what they need to know and less on what you want to tell them. Being an active listener means:

• Understanding what your audience is truly asking.

• Being conscious that you're only answering their specific questions.

• Looking for the cues on how your audience responds.

• Rereading what you've written for clarity.

In person, you could say, "I'm overexplaining," once you've noticed you're doing it. Don't add negativity or beat yourself up for it. Simply acknowledge that you're overexplaining and move on.

If you're writing an email or a text, stop typing and wait to send your message. Reread what you have written and take out the information that is not necessary for the reader!

Think about what you need to say.

You don't have to justify every thought, action, or idea. If you start to explain something, focus on what's necessary! Watch how your audience reacts to what you're saying.

Before you start explaining, ask yourself, "Is this something they need to know?" and, "Is this something they asked specifically?"

Read the email below. Which sentences are examples of overexplaining and can be removed from the email?

Hey Chris,

(1) Yes, a FedEx delivery has been scheduled and the package has been picked up. (2) If you were wondering about the delay, I wanted to make sure that Bonnie packaged all of your equipment before emailing back. (3) Monday was also a holiday so I couldn't get FedEx to pick up the package then. (4) I just need you to pick up the package once it has been delivered.

All the best,

Lester

It's ok to feel uncomfortable as you work to stop overexplaining!

Changing a pattern of behavior is difficult. It's not easy to change how we react to things, especially if the behavior is rooted in trauma. It may take a lot of time to break this habit, but it's worth the effort!

Now that you understand and know strategies to stop overexplaining, try implementing these strategies into your own life!