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Friendships are priceless. A true friend will be there for you for all occasions!
Photo by Duy Pham on UnsplashBut the real test of friendship is how you show up for a friend going through a difficult time — like grieving the loss of a relationship.
When comforting friends through a rough patch, I used to have the tendency to switch into Mister Fix-It mode.
It didn’t take long to realize that this approach wasn’t working. By building self-awareness and empathy, I learned how to truly support my friends by knowing what to tell someone who is grieving the loss of a relationship. Here are some of the most valuable lessons I’ve picked up along the way.
1. Listen Before You Speak
As Mister Fix-It, I thought I knew what to tell someone who is grieving their ex-relationship. My biggest mistake was giving a bunch of generic advice right out of the gate like suggesting my friend join a dating app immediately to keep distracted after a breakup. Not the most helpful advice!
When my friend experienced a breakup, they didn't need advice and solutions right away. They required time and space to process all their feelings. They needed me to be their sounding board and understand them.
The best thing I could have done was to say nothing and just listen first. This may be the hardest thing to do but it is exactly what people need most from their friends in a crisis. Try practicing the 80/20 rulewhich puts the focus on listening more (80% of the time) and talking less (20% of the time). Silence is required to truly listen to others.
Photo by Ben White on UnsplashQuiz
Kate just broke up with her boyfriend and comes to you to console her. What do you say first?
Listen to Kate to acknowledge her thoughts and feelings first.
2. Lead with Empathy
As Mister Fix-it, I would dive in and dispense advice like a bottle of pills. This advice is usually gleaned from my own experience or from the experience of others. But despite my best intentions, my advice might have had nothing to do with the situation my friend was experiencing.
To provide true support, I had to show empathy by stepping into the shoes of my friend to fully understand the situation from their perspective. To comfort someone is to understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person. When people are grieving, they need empathy not sympathy.
In the video below, famous researcher, Brené Brown speaks about the difference between empathy and sympathy. She defines empathy as:
Recognizing the other person's perspective
Staying out of judgment
Recognizing emotion in other people
Feeling "with" other people
3. Meet Them Where They Are
Loss and grief is unique to each person. Everyone grieves differently and according to their own timeframe.
One time as Mister Fix-It, I reassured a friend who lost her boyfriend that she would recover from loneliness in three months just because she was able to rebound from the breakup of her previous relationship in three months. Very misleading advice!
I soon realized the importance of accepting people where they are in the moment. Don't make comparisons to the person’s ability to handle a situation in the past or compare their grief journey to someone else’s.
Knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say. Resist the urge to make the situation better by starting the sentence with, "You're better off," or "It could've been worse."
Read more about what to tell someone who is grieving their relationship: Friend, this is How to Support me During a Break-up.
4. Be Patient
What do you think happened when Mister Fix-It tried to play Mister Matchmaker to help his friend get over a relationship? Spoiler alert — it didn't work out.
There is no quick fix to mend a broken heart! Grief is a journey of healing. Healing takes time and patience. You require patience to walk alongside a friend going through a grief journey.
The concept of companioning is a valuable one to keep in mind here — which is the practice of "being present to another person’s pain" rather than taking away the pain.
Photo by Johannes Plenio on UnsplashQuiz
After 5 months, Kate is still heartbroken over the breakup. What should you NOT do?
There's no time limit to recover from a breakup. A person can't be pressured to move on until they are ready. As a friend, continue to be patient, listen, and offer distractions to keep your friend focused on positive things.
Did you know?
A broken heart can be more than just a feeling. Broken-heart syndrome is a heart condition that's often brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions.
Take Action
Photo by RĂ©mi Walle on UnsplashThe most important thing you can provide your friend is a safe space to process their loss and grief to allow healing to begin.
As a supporting friend, you can:
This Byte has been authored by
Daniel Wong
Instructional Designer