How I learned to be a better listener with 4 simple but effective strategies 🤫 👂

Have you ever felt that someone was not listening to you, but just waiting for their chance to speak?

A green speech bubble with yellow ellipses and yellow background.

A friend once said to me, "I don't think you're really hearing what I am saying!" I was shocked because I thought I was a good listener. I would pick up on what they were talking about and then relate it to my own experience. But that's not really listening.

Here's what I've learned on my journey to becoming a better listener.

Did you know?

There are many benefits to being a good listener including gaining the respect of others, greater understanding of those around you, and overall improved relationships.

1. Attention Matters

Give your conversation partner your complete focus. If there is a lot of noise around you, find somewhere quiet to talk. Put your phone away. Make eye contact if you're comfortable doing so.

An interested Jada Pinkett Smith listens

Did you know?

Good listeners are better at making people feel understood. People with strong listening skills are present in the conversation. Those who listen with focus are often perceived as more socially likable.

2. Be Aware of Body Language (Yours and Theirs)

Turn to face your listener and lean slightly forward if you can. This shows you're actively listening.

You don't have to copy their body language exactly, but do pay attention to non-verbal cuesthat show how they're feeling.

A pPerson looking in window observing their own body language.

Did you know?

Someone crossing their arms in a conversation doesn't mean that a person is aggressive or defensive. Psychology Today argues that crossing arms could indicate that someone is trying to comfort themselves, is feeling insecure, or perhaps is just cold!

3. Use Mirroring to Clarify What The Other Person Is Saying

"What do you mean?" or "Can you explain that, please?" can sound overly direct. Instead, try using a mirroring technique from former FBI negotiator Chris Voss.

Simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner said. This builds rapport and shows you want to understand them.

'I Understand' Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU

4. Listen Naively and Actively

"To learn through listening, practice it naively and actively. Naively means that you listen openly, ready to learn something, as opposed to listening defensively, ready to rebut. Listening actively means you acknowledge what you heard and act accordingly.”

— Betsy Sanders, former Senior Vice President and General Manager, Nordstrom

'Listen to the words,' says Lauryn Hill.

When someone has finished talking, pause and think before you reply. Then carefully paraphrase what they have said to show you have understood before offering advice or asking an open-ended question.

Check out the video below for an example of paraphrasing:

Quiz

Your conversation partner says, "No matter what I do, my co-workers criticize me all the time." How should you respond? Select all that apply:

Criticize all the time...?

I was criticized at work, too!

When did that happen?

Sounds like you're feeling frustrated.

Putting It All Together

Two people at a table listening attentively to each other

By paying full attention to the speaker, making eye contact, letting the other person finish their sentence, and mirroring or paraphrasing, I greatly improved my ability to really listen to people.

Now I'm someone others seek out for advice, as they know I'll give them time and space to speak before I reply. This has improved the quality of my relationships immeasurably and can for you too!

Take Action

Alexa from Schitt's Creek looking coy and saying, 'I'm listening.'

There are many benefits to being a good listener To make sure you are one, start doing the following today:

Give the speaker your full attention.

Face them and make eye contact.

Mirror or paraphrase for clarification or to build empathy.

Listen to learn.

For more Bytes on this topic, try How do I practice reflective listening? and How can I be a better listener?

Check out Chris Voss himself elaborating on his mirroring technique for more information on this game changing strategy.

How I learned to be a better listener with 4 simple but effective strategies 🤫 👂

Did you know?

1. Attention Matters

Did you know?

2. Be Aware of Body Language (Yours and Theirs)

Did you know?

3. Use Mirroring to Clarify What The Other Person Is Saying

4. Listen Naively and Actively

Quiz

Putting It All Together

Take Action

This Byte has been authored by

Angela-Claire McDonald