Emotionally damaged by your partner? Recover in 4 steps ❤️‍🩹

Maybe you just got out of a harmful relationship, or you're still with your partner, but you're not sure if it's healthy. Or it's been a while, but you still feel emotionally hurt.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

So how do you heal and respond after you've experienced emotional harm? You can't control the person who emotionally damaged you, but you can take intentional action to recover.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This isn't about blaming — it's about being honest with yourself, acknowledging the harm and, at the same time, honoring yourself for surviving it.

Don't minimize your experience by saying things like "Maybe I'm overreacting," or "It wasn't that bad."

Example: Naming What Happened

"When my partner criticized me in front of my friends, I felt humiliated and sad."

Emotional damage can be the consequence of gaslighting, ghosting, constant criticism, the silent treatment, and controlling your time and the people you spend time with.

When you're negatively affected because your partner did or said something hurtful, it can feel confusing and unclear. A good start is to identify and name what you are feeling.

Labeling what you're feeling reduces the "emotional heat" and increases activity in the part of your brain that is involved in regulation and reasoning.

Check out the video below from psychiatrist Dr. Stacey Marks to learn how naming your emotions can help you regain control when you feel overwhelmed.

Practice these steps to claim your emotions:

1. Pause and notice what you're feeling before reacting.

2. Observe your body for physical cues (tension, heartbeat, breathing).

3. Identify the thoughts that are influencing the emotion.

4. Name the emotion as specifically as possible.

5. Write it down to track patterns and triggers.

6. Choose a response instead of reacting.

Let's see how these steps would look in practice:

Scenario: John gets a text from his partner saying, "I guess you don't care about me, since you didn't reply fast enough." John feels a sudden wave of anxiety.

1. Pause: John stops before replying and takes a deep and slow breath.

2. Observe your body: He notices that his chest feels tight and his hands are tense.

3. Identify your thoughts: He catches the thought, "I'm doing something wrong again."

4. Name the emotion: John identifies the emotion as fear mixed with guilt.

5. Write it down: He writes, "I feel pressured and afraid of disappointing them."

6. Choose a response: Instead of reacting right away, John chooses to respond in a way that feels respectful to himself. 

In the situation above, which option best reflects choosing a response instead of reacting?

A. "I'm sorry, you're right. I'll reply faster next time."

B. "If you're going to react like this, maybe we shouldn't talk at all."

C. "I care about you, but I can't always reply immediately. I want us to communicate without pressure."

Emotional damage usually leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and shame, especially when it involves criticism and gaslighting.

Two approaches can be very helpful:

• cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

• dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)

CBT

• Helps you understand how your thoughts affect your feelings and actions

• Focuses on changing the harmful beliefs you've developed (usually negative and unrealistic)

DBT

• Helps you manage strong emotions and handle difficult situations

• Focuses on managing painful emotions and reactions

CBT Example

If your partner constantly criticized you, you could think: "Maybe I 'm not good enough."

In CBT, you learn to question that belief:

"My partner's criticism doesn't define my worth. I have strengths and qualities."

DBT Example

After a breakup or even an unpleasant discussion, you could experience overwhelming sadness and anger.

In DBT, you practice skills like:

• emotional regulation to find healthy ways to cope (walking, journaling)

• distress tolerance (breathing, grounding, taking a break)

• mindfulness (noticing feelings without judging them)

Sometimes the emotional damage persists because of a person's tolerance for harmful behavior. After the damage, you might struggle to set boundaries because you were previously punished for asserting your needs or saying no.

To reclaim your personal power:

• Respond instead of automatically reacting.

• Practice setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

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Seek Supportive Connections

Social support, such as positive and validating relationships (friends, support groups, and therapists), can reduce stress and isolation, and help you cope and build resilience after emotional damage.

Practice Self-Kindness and Self-Care

Long-term criticism can chip away at self-compassion, and it's possible you could be harshly self-critical. Treat yourself with kindness using phrases like, "I'm doing the best I can."

If your inner critic shows up, gently replace harsh thoughts with supportive ones, as you would for a friend.

Photo by JIUNN-YIH LAU on Unsplash

Let's practice!

You're working on rebuilding self-worth and setting boundaries after experiencing emotional damage. A new partner pressures you to share very personal details before you feel ready, and you notice a familiar sense of fear and obligation.

What response best reflects healthy boundaries and self-kindness?

A. Calmly state that you're not ready to share those details yet, and that you want to go at a pace that feels safe for you.

B. Get angry and cut off all contact immediately without explaining your feelings.

C. Share everything they are asking for, so they don't think you're hiding something.

D. Stay in the relationship but avoid the topic, hoping they understand that you don't want to talk about that.

You deserve to feel supported! If you're struggling, take time to learn how to manage these emotions.