Are you in a transactional relationship with your partner? Here's how to find out 🤔

Destiny, passion, unconditional love — these are the kinds of words we use when it comes to a describing romantic relationship.

But how about "productive" and "business"? 🤔

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Pretty uncommon, huh? These are characteristics that describe a transactional relationship.

But wait! Don't relationships naturally have some level of give-and-take? Does that mean anyone can be in a transactional relationship of sorts? Not necessarily.

Here's how you'll know if you're in a transactional relationship.

Kai and Yara have had a simple and straightforward relationship from the beginning. They have been together for over a year, and while they don't engage in romantic activities often, they do like their partnership.

Different from other couples, Kai and Yara often give each other love and time based on whether they'll receive something in return. This is the basis of a transactional relationship.

Kai and Yara will help us demonstrate the experiences we may find in a transactional relationship.

So, what defines it exactly?

Now let’s be clear: a relationship does involve mutual give-and-take. However, if affection or effort is only given based on what the other party did or will do, then it becomes transactional.  

Let's compare between a negative and positive situation to see the differences.

The Situation 👩🏽‍❤️‍👨🏽

Yara notices the lovely morning, and asks Kai if they can go out on a date. Kai agrees, but only if they’re visiting his favorite breakfast cafe. Other than that, he isn’t interested. 

Yara's face drops and reminds Kai they always visit the cafe whenever it’s a morning date. Yara then asks if they can explore a new place instead.

Scenario A: Negative

Kai: Yeah no. Sorry, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble to go out and try something we don’t even know is nice. But hey, you can go out by yourself if you want to.

(Yara is now upset, and feels like the morning is now ruined.)

Scenario B: Positive

Kai: (Ponders) Fine, we can try something new. But to be clear, this will be your treat since this was your idea. Is that fair?

(Yara agrees before happily getting ready for the date.)

The focus in a transactional relationship is on the advantages or benefits that either person receives rather than building an intimate connection. The focus then is on maximizing what each partner brings to the table. 

Let's compare again to see illustrate this point.

The Situation 👩🏽‍❤️‍👨🏽

Yara’s venting to her best friend Penny about the most recent fight with Kai. While Yara takes a moment to calm herself, Penny ponders over their conversation before asking.

Penny: What does Kai even do for you in this relationship?

Scenario A: Negative

Yara: (Pauses) I don’t know, I guess his company? I’m kinda afraid of being by myself honestly. 

Scenario B: Positive

Yara: (Pauses slightly) You know, we have our ups and downs. But at the end of the day, I appreciate everything he does. He’s honest and hardworking, and he has my back no matter what. We help each other out, you know?

When both partners work on receiving what they need from the relationship, this can lead to individual goals being fulfilled. The success of reaching one’s goal may even form the basis of the success of the relationship.  

Let's have a final situation to look at where we can compare both scenarios.

The Situation 👩🏽‍❤️‍👨🏽

Yara and Kai eventually agree that they are both ready to marry each other. However they’ve yet to come to a conclusion about the process of reaching their end goal. 

Both want a traditional marriage where Kai is the sole breadwinner and Yara is the stay-at-home partner. However, Kai wants to wait a few more years so they can be financially stable. Yara doesn't agree.

Scenario A: Negative

Yara: (Huffs) You’re not being supportive at all, Kai. You already earn more than enough, especially since we want a family in the future. So why delay it any longer?

(Kai frowns, and excuses himself from the conversation to calm himself down.)

Scenario B: Positive

Yara: I hear what you’re saying, Kai. I guess I'm just anxious since I’m hoping for us to start a family soon.

(Kai nods before giving himself a moment to think about Yara’s sentiment.

Later on, the two have a discussion about the timeline of their goals, centering it around their finances.)

So what can we gather about transactional relationships from comparing scenarios in Yara and Kai's relationship?

Pros 😀

• Relationship expectations are met. 

• Individual and relationship goals are achieved.

• You can rely on the relationship's mutual give-and-take.

Cons 😢

• You may feel undervalued or unloved, as affection is conditional. 

• The connection in the relationship may feel surface-level and inauthentic. 

• You may feel a lack of security in the relationship as the relationship is based on what one can stand to gain.

• Reflect if a transactional relationship arrangement will make you happy. Consider your needs and wants in a relationship. 

• Share your concerns with a trusted loved one if needed. It can be useful to hear different perspectives.

• Communicate honestly and openly with your partner about your thoughts. Be clear and firm about your expectations.

Georgia is wondering if she is in a transactional relationship with her girlfriend, June.

On their dates, there is an unsaid routine where they alternate between who pays for the expenses. June also provides financially as Georgia is in graduate school, and the latter takes care of the chores in their shared apartment. 

Georgia does recognize June loves surprising her with gifts, and is very intentional in making time with her. Georgia can also comfortably say June is her best friend, and that they have a special bond.

Just like any relationship, a transactional relationship requires effort and intention for it to be healthy and successful! Here's how you can make your relationship stronger: 💪