Relationship Help: Are You An Avoidant?

Do you know anyone who says they want to be in a relationship, but actually pushes people away?

On the show Seinfeld, Jerry takes this to an extreme. He breaks up with different women for:

Eating her peas one at a time.
Refusing to taste his pie.
Having large hands.

Jerry says to Elaine, '95% of the population is undateable.'

Silly right? It's because Jerry has an avoidant attachment style.

Attachment Styles

We develop our attachment style based on our experiences as little kids.

Did we get enough attention from our caregivers? Were they reliable? Did they help us build healthy self esteem?

These early experiences shape how we connect to others as adults.

A client tells a therapist, 'I think it goes back to my childhood.' The therapist writes in his notebook: 'No duh, Sherlock.'

Avoidants keep others "at arm's length" to avoid getting rejected or abandoned.

So how can you tell if you or someone you know has an avoidant attachment style?

Did you know?

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, disorganized, and avoidant.

They're SUPER Independent

Avoidants value their independence more than connecting with their partner. They might push people away if it feels like someone is getting too close.

Classic example: Samantha from Sex and the City. She literally fell over when Smith tried to hold her hand in public.

Samantha from Sex in the City says, 'I love you, but I love me more.'

They Focus On Small Issues

When an avoidant feels like things are getting too serious, they'll focus on small imperfections and use them as an excuse to end the relationship.

Jerry Seinfeld says, 'She liked a bad commercial. Of course I dumped her.'

Quiz

Which of these is an excuse an avoidant might use to end a relationship?

They aren't affectionate.

They like a different sports team.

They have trouble communicating.

They don't share the same values.

They Choose Unavailable Partners

This can be dating someone who is married, is planning to move away, or obsessing about someone who just isn't into them. This is more comfortable for an avoidant because they know things won't get too intimate.

A woman says, 'The last guy I liked was the Mayor of Gay Town.'

In season 1 of Glee, Mercedes had a huge crush on Kurt, even though it was widely known he was gay. Because he wasn't into women, Mercedes had no chance of getting truly rejected.

They Delay Commitments

When avoidants do pick available partners, they often try to keep things vague and avoid "defining the relationship."

In 500 Days of Summer, Zooey Deschanel was an avoidant. Even though Summer and Tom were in a relationship, she would never commit to being his girlfriend.

Zooey Deschanel drinks from a coffee mug. The text reads: 'I can wait.'

Take Action

Squdward's eyes bug out. The text reads: 'When I'm in a relationship competition and my opponent is avoiance.

The good news: you can change your attachment style to become more secure. But step one is awareness.

Think about your past relationships:

Have you been avoidant?
Have you ever had an avoidant partner?

Check out these Bytes to learn more about attachment styles:

Do I Have A Secure Attachment Style?

Do I Have An Anxious Attachment Style?

Do I Have a Disorganized Attachment Style?