5 steps to talk to your partner about having kids

Initiating a talk about having kids with your partner can be challenging and overwhelming.

It's an important topic for both of you. Before you have that conversation, you want to think and plan for a positive and meaningful conversation.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Before you talk to your partner, think about what you want and why.

• Having clear reasons and motivations will help you engage in a healthy conversation with your partner.

• Also, think about your response to their opinion: How will you respond if they say yes? How will you respond if they say no?

• It is important to avoid being confrontational — this can make the other person defensive, leading to a deadlock in the conversation.

While it’s important to give some thought to the conversation, don't wait too long and overthink it.

While this may not be a conversation you want to have in the early stages of your relationship, once you realize that the person is someone you see yourself with long-term, you should have this conversation.

Make sure you're both on the same page.

Consider the very real possibility of your partner saying the exact opposite of what you want to hear. Be willing to have a healthy discussion and try to understand where the other person is coming from.

Remember, people change their minds as they mature and have more life experiences, so avoid overreacting.

• Be simple and straightforward. "We haven't talked about it yet, but having kids one day is really important to me."

• Explain your reasons for wanting to have children or not. "I see having my own family as being an important part of a fulfilling life for me."

• Draw on experiences that you have had to give your partner more insight into your opinion. "Growing up in a big family was a really special experience."

• If what they want is different from what you want, ask questions and get information, but avoid asking "Why?" Instead ask: "What makes you feel that way?"

Make sure you are honest about your feelings. Clearly state that having children is very important to you—or not important, whatever the case may be.

Your partner’s desire to have children or not is something they want for themselves and likely does not have anything to do with you. Keep the conversation exploratory and discussion-oriented, instead of argumentative.

If you both agree on this topic, view this as an opportunity to have a further discussion on what this might look for you like in the future. These conversations could be about the timing and logistics of having a child, financial considerations, or talking about what work-life balance might look like.

If you and your partner are on a different page, consider putting the conversation on hold to allow both of you to reflect upon the other's point of view. You could decide on a time to revisit this conversation in the future. You could also consider couples counselling to help you navigate this conversation.

Approach this important conversation by doing the following: