3 tips to help you move from disorganized to secure attachment in your relationship

Do you:

😨 fear getting too close to your partner?

😱 have an extreme fear of rejection?

😰 have a hard time seeking help?

😞 use unhealthy ways to cope?

🙍 feel unworthy of love or not good enough?

If this sounds like you, you might have grown up with a disorganized attachment style.

💡Read this Byte to determine if you have a disorganized attachment style.

According to Dr. Lisa Firestone,

A person who grew up with a disorganized attachment often won’t learn healthy ways to self-soothe. They may have trouble socially or struggle in using others to co-regulate their emotions.

Learn some healthy ways to cope and improve your relationships!

Self-awareness begins with identifying and understanding your triggersas signals to underlying emotions.

✅ You can practice getting in touch with your feelings by:

• ✒️ grabbing a journal and documenting moments when emotions feel "big" in your body.

• ❓asking yourself, "What triggering events in my relationships cause anxiety or fear of rejection?"

• 📖 applying this self-awareness worksheet developed by Dr. Becker-Phelps.

Some examples of situations that can trigger negative emotions:

▶️ Kris's boyfriend forgets their anniversary. This triggers feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness: "He doesn't love me, we should break up."

▶️ Sunil's partner came home from work at a later time than usual. This triggers feelings of fear and panic: "They must be cheating on me and planning to leave!"

▶️ Julie's relationship is going well. Her partner suggests moving into their place. This triggers feelings of anxiety and tenseness: "They want me to depend on them and they want to control me."

⚡Knowledge check!

Scenario: Your partner is on a week-long work trip and they haven't texted you since they left. You start to feel anxious.

When you feel "big" emotions, it might be challenging to communicate your needs and you might have a hard time asking for help.

Photo by Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash

⏪ How do you communicate your feelings more clearly? Let's replay the potential triggering events from above:

👉 When Kris's boyfriend forgets their anniversary...

❌ INSTEAD OF SAYING: "You don't love me, we should break up."

✅ SAY: "Forgetting the anniversary makes me feel upset because it's important to celebrate our relationship. I know you didn't intend to forget but can we put this event on our calendar so we don't forget next time?"

👉 When Sunil's partner comes home from work at a later time than usual...

❌ INSTEAD OF SAYING: "You came home late, you must be cheating on me."

✅ SAY: "I feel anxious when you come home late. Next time, can you text me and let me know when you'll be late?"

👉 When Julie's partner suggests moving into their place...

❌ INSTEAD OF SAYING: "You want me to move into your place, you must want to dominate and control me. You want me to depend on you."

✅ SAY: "While I'm very happy for us, moving in together is a big step that makes me feel anxious and scared. Can I take some more time to process and think about it?"

⚡Knowledge check!

Your partner is on a week-long trip and they haven't texted you. You're feeling anxious and upset.

Your inner voice may tell you:

"I'm not good enough."

"I must be doing something wrong, that's why my partner doesn't love me."

"I'm a loser and I don't deserve this relationship."

✅ Stand up to your inner critic by:

• recognizing some of the common negative thought patterns.

• practicing self-compassion and using a kinder voice to challenge your inner critic.

Get started!

Building more secure relationships by practicing the right coping skills: