What does it mean to be "asexual aromantic"?

Imagine this: your friend of many years, who's never shared feelings about having a crush on someone or wanting to go out on a date, reveals to you they're asexual romantic.

While you may be aware of sexual orientation labels like gay, straight, lesbian, and bisexual, the terms "asexual" and "aromantic" may be new to you.

By learning about asexuality and aromanticism, you'll better understand the diversity of human sexuality, know how to support your asexual and aromantic friends, and reflect on your own experiences as well!

Someone who is asexual (also known as ace) experiences little to no sexual attraction to any gender.

What is sexual attraction?

Sexual attraction is "attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s)".

You may consider these signs of being sexually attracted to someone, such as if you:

• Compliment their physical appearance with words like "hot".

• Want to have sex, do sexual activities and/or have a sexual relationship with them.

• Notice yourself feeling sexually aroused when you're with them.

Fiona (Asexual)

Photo by @invadingkingdom on Unsplash

Fiona grew up in a household that was very open about topics regarding sex education and health, including LGBT identities. When she was in secondary school, she started to feel isolated from her classmates who talked all the time about sex, because even though she was knowledgeable about the topic, she couldn't relate to it.

After she discussed her feelings with her parents, they offered her a book on asexuality. Fiona felt really validated that she wasn't alone in her feelings of not experiencing sexual attraction.

There are lots of misconceptions about what it means to be asexual. While by definition, asexuality only refers to the absence of sexual attraction, people make lots of other assumptions.

Misconception #1: Asexuality is the same thing as celibacy.

Celibacy is an active choice not to have sex. Asexuality simply refers to a lack of sexual attraction, and it's not a choice.

Misconception #2: Asexual people will never have sex.

Some asexual people may choose to have sex for a variety of reasons, including to have children, to bond with a partner, to have fun, or any other reason someone who is not asexual would! They may be interested in other aspects of sex as well, including masturbation, kink, porn, dressing "sexy", etc.

Misconception #3: People are only asexual due to medical conditions or trauma.

While some people may not experience sexual attraction because of these things and may choose to identify as asexual, not everyone who does so may identify with that label. Furthermore, people can be asexual without a medical reason or trauma.

Misconception #4: All asexual people are anti-sex.

Asexual people, just like anyone else, may be favorable, indifferent to, or averse to sex. Just because someone doesn't have sexual attraction doesn't mean they're opposed to others experiencing it and having sex!

Someone who is aromantic (also known as aro) experiences little to no romantic attraction to any gender.

What is romantic attraction?

Romantic attraction is "attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons."

You may consider these signs of being romantically attracted to someone, such as if you want to:

• Be in a relationship with them.

• Develop an emotional connection with them.

• Spend your life together.

• Do "romantic" activities, such as kissing, cuddling, going on dates, etc.

Dee (Aromantic)

Photo by Matt Sings on Unsplash

Dee is aromantic. Their friends kept trying to set them up with potential love interests, and invited them to speed dating events and mixers regularly.

Dee felt pressure to find a romantic partner, despite not feeling romantic attraction towards anyone they went on a date with. After coming out as aromantic, they felt more free to be themselves and say no to their friend's invites.

Similar to asexuality, there are many misconceptions around aromanticism. While by definition, aromanticism only refers to the absence of romantic attraction, people make lots of other assumptions.

Misconception #1: People who are aromantic can't be in a relationship.

Someone who is aromantic may be in a relationship with similarities to romantic relationships, such as a queer platonic relationship, in terms of exclusivity, cohabiting, intimacy, commitment, emotional support and showing affection.

They may choose to be in a relationship due to desire for family or children, to give or receive affection and care, or based on shared interests, mutual respect, or emotional closeness.

Misconception #2: People who are aromantic don't experience or show love.

Not only are there many different types of love, including towards family, pets, friends, etc, but because aromantic people may have a romantic partner, they could experience love towards their partner as well.

They may still show love and affection towards others through physical actions, including those which are often considered romantic, like hugging, kissing, and cuddling.

Misconception #3: People who are aromantic are anti-romance.

Again, aromantic people, just like anyone else, may be favorable, indifferent to, or averse to romance and romantic relationships. Just because someone does not have romantic attraction does not mean they are opposed to others experiencing it and being in romantic relationships! They also may enjoy romantic media.

Both asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is experiencing no attraction (asexual or aromantic), and on the other is experiencing regular attraction (allosexual or alloromantic).

In between those ends of the spectrum exists a variety of other labels within the asexual/aromantic umbrella that people might relate to.

Here are two of the most common ones:

Graysexual/grayromantic

The terms graysexual and grayromantic represent the "gray" area between asexuality/aromanticism and allosexuality/alloromanticism.

Someone who is graysexual may experience sexual attraction rarely, at low levels, or only in certain situations. Likewise, someone who is grayromantic may experience romantic attraction rarely, at low levels, or only in certain situations.

For instance, someone who is graysexual may only experience sexual attraction towards people they do not know very well (which is also called fraysexual).

Demisexual/demiromantic

Someone who is demisexual may only experience sexual attraction after first developing a close emotional bond. Likewise, someone who is demiromantic may only experience romantic attraction after first developing a close emotional bond.

Because of this "prerequisite", people who are demisexual or demiromantic may feel that they don't experience attraction as often as people who are allosexual/alloromantic, and thus may identify under the ace/aro umbrellas.

Yes!

Because aromantic describes who someone is romantically attracted to, and asexual describes who someone is sexually attracted to, they don't have to overlap, but they may.

Many people don't distinguish between romantic and sexual attraction, and others know they are not romantically and sexually attracted to anyone. These people may use a label like aromantic asexual, abbreviated to aroace, to describe themselves.

Other people find that they experience romantic attraction, and not sexual attraction, or vice versa. This is where a split-attraction model is helpful — in other words, some people "split" and label their attraction separately across sexual and romantic attraction.

This could look like:

• Being aromantic and not asexual (eg. homosexual, heterosexual, pansexual, demisexual, graysexual, etc).

• Being asexual and not aromantic (eg. homoromantic, heteroromantic, panromantic, demiromanitic, grayromantic, etc).

Photo by Brad Neathery on Unsplash

Kyle is a cisgender man. He is writing a letter to his future self as part of an exercise in a life skills workshop, and is reflecting on his experiences across different areas of his life.

When he considers his romantic and sexual history, he pauses. At his age of 35, he had only ever been in one romantic relationship with someone who was his best friend since they were little.

During their relationship, neither of them were interested in having sex. Since then, while he's had his fair share of celebrity crushes, he has no interest in joining any dating apps.

Whether you're aromantic, asexual, both, or an ally, there is so much diversity of who people are romantically and sexually attracted to. Learning more about this diversity is something to celebrate!